Too Much or Too Little?

[I do not own the rights to any pictures]

(this was actually written on June 8, 2023 before i went to college)

I imagine the boy with the fishes and loaves once said as he handed over his dinner, “I know it’s not much.” But did he still struggle to let go?

We can often feel the same way, as though all we have to bring to the table is simply unworthy. But sometimes we feel the opposite, and that’ what is on my heart tonight.

I feel like I have much right now. Much excitement, much planning, much freedom, much certainty. The cliche feeling of invincibility that comes with this season is very real! I spend so much time in preparation of my next steps, excitement building with every new opportunity. But I am also a control freak. And I want to handle my much. I want to keep it safe with me, far, far away from the Creator.

And yet, I trust Him! It’s a confusing place to be in, for I know in my heart that He is good and His plan is perfect. I’ve seen Him work countless times and He oh-so-deftly directs my steps. So why is there this battle between my head and my heart?

My head is quick to argue, “You’ve been here since day one. See all you’ve accomplished? All the goals you reached and the work you put in to get here? You’re on the brink of a new life and there is no one better qualified to handle things than YOU.”

But is it really a new life? Or will it be the old one in a new environment? it’s easy to romanticize plans after graduation. Our hearts naturally yearn for something more, and oftenwe endeavor to fill that yearning with a big decision instead of our biggest Friend. Maybe … college is not going to solve all of my problems. Maybe … I will simply be taking them with me, only to realize my heart is in the wrong place.

So I pray that He keeps pulling me back, and that when I run He chases after me. And when my fingers clench around my life as I’m sure that boy on the hillside’s clenched aorund his fishes and loaves, I pray that He would smile on me reassuringly and give me the strength to let Him take control. For all of the seemingly good points my head might be making, He is far more capable than I will ever be.

“I know you’re uneasy, but give Me control” — Josiah Queen, Fishes and Loaves