ramblings when i should be working

Why am i so uncomfortable with resting? Why do i feel guilty for not doing anything “productive?” Why can i not just take an unplanned evening and relax?

Who said I have to be this way?

And why is it completely different in summertime? Then, I can take beach vacations and sleep in. I can fall into the rhythm of lounging until it’s time for my evening shift to begin, only to get off of work and fall into bed, doomscrolling til 3 am every night. Why is summer different?

The school year alone brings this uncomfortable sense that my worth is only found in my productivity. That my identity is in “how busy” I stay. I see it in my friends’ faces. They want to say more than they can. But instead, all they do is raise eyebrows and say, “You always have so much going on.” Who will tell me I am overcommitted? Myself, of course. And then I will ignore her. She is keeping me from being productive.

Everyone is depending on me. I am spending money to be here. I need to get a job one day.

When I get off of work earlier than expected, why am I ashamed for falling right into bed? Surely I have earned it. Surely. I have been working all day. Econ homework. Meeting after meeting. Have good ideas in your meeting — show them that they need you to be a part of this team, that you’re invaluable. Oh, remember to eat. Make sure you take a side trip to that campus event. Ask your roommate about her day, she needs to know that you care. I am manufacturing emotions. Because they are “correct.” Go to work. Make money so you can stay in school and make more money one day. Drive home and try to not disassociate.

But now it is 11:37 pm. It was 8:30 when I got home. That’s 3 hours I could have been working. But I watched a whole episode of my favorite tv show… and wasn’t I just crying last night because of all the work I needed to get done?

I have forgotten.

Forgotten so much.

Forgotten to the point that I just opened my statistics homework in a desperate effort to feel productive, because that is the only way I feel valuable, because that is the only way I feel alive.

I think if I had to sit in a jail cell at some point in my life and be still — like actually be still, body and mind — I would actually become hysterical.

I have forgotten that I have time tomorrow to finish statistics. I have forgotten that living is not a to-do list. I have forgotten that true worth is found in Christ.

I will continue to forget.

I will continue to think that my resume is more important than my sleep and that my peace of mind can be pushed to the back burner. I will continue this cycle for too long.

[This piece has only been lightly edited. It was intended to be read in its rawest form.]

[I do not own the rights to any pictures]